


A Million Tiny Pieces

by one_short_fuse



Category: Jrock, the GazettE
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 10:01:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_short_fuse/pseuds/one_short_fuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's easier to feel broken and lonely when there's no one around to see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Million Tiny Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Kai birthday challenge at the kai_pleasure community on LiveJournal for the following prompt: _If we tear off all restrictions and eat the taboos, will the earth change into heaven?_ I'm not sure how well my fic fits this prompt, but this is what came out. Many 'thank you's and smooches to ldybastet for encouragement, nudging, pushing, hand-holding, and beta-reading.
> 
> Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the GazettE or PSC, and have no knowledge of what is really going on in their lives. This is a work of fiction, born from my dirty imagination, and any resemblance to real people or events is pure coincidence. No disrespect is intended, and I earn no money from this.

"Minako, please... don't do this."

Kai's heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces, and he couldn't hear what Minako was saying over the sound of its shattering. She smiled sadly at him, waved, and walked away, leaving Kai standing there holding a chain with only one ring on it. He called after her, but she either didn't hear or didn't want to hear. She didn't hesitate, didn't turn to look back at him.

The chain dropped from Kai's fingers. He left it there on the ground as he turned and locked himself inside his apartment.

He cried for _days_. Not where others could see, only when he was home by himself, because it was easier to feel broken and lonely when there was no one looking to him for direction, no one depending on him to do his best while at practice or in the studio. He wasn't eating much, and was sleeping even less. Minako was on his mind constantly, and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what had gone wrong, what had made her leave. She wasn't angry at him, but she was firm when she said she didn't want to see him anymore. Her hand didn't even tremble as she asked for her ring back, the one he wore on a chain next to his own. Three years together, and it ended in the blink of an eye with no warning signs that he could see.

He tried his best not to let others see how much he was hurting, but he knew he wasn't completely successful. Sometimes little things triggered something inside him and made him snap at others, though he'd apologize afterwards. It was harder to smile, though he did, even if he had to force it sometimes. But he went to work, throwing himself into the music they were recording or the video they were shooting, trying to drown out the hurt and the anger and the loneliness.

The tears dried up eventually, but he still felt broken. Work helped, and so did drinking, to some extent, though he usually felt worse when his drunken brain reminded him that he was getting drunk alone. Ruki could vent his feelings in his lyrics and in his singing. Aoi seemed to get his frustrations out when playing. Uruha and Reita almost never seemed to have this sort of heartache. Kai could only let his own thoughts and feelings fester, though, because nothing he did seemed to help him get through the darkness.

\---

The knocking on his front door wouldn't go away. Kai finally dragged himself off the couch to answer it when he couldn't listen to the knocking any longer. "WHAT?" he shouted as he yanked the door open. "Oh. It's you, Uruha."

Uruha smirked, apparently un-phased by Kai's less-than-enthusiastic greeting. "Your phone went right to voicemail."

"I turned it off."

"So I came by." Uruha's face lit up in a smile, and Kai frowned. "Can I come in?"

"I'm really not in the mood for company, Uruha."

"That's too bad..." Uruha looked as though he was thinking for a moment, then wiggled past Kai into Kai's apartment.

"Uruha, what the fuck? I said –"

"I know what you said." Uruha looked around – Kai hadn't been keeping things tidy, of late, and he should have felt embarrassed by the state of his apartment, but he simply didn't care. Uruha pushed aside an empty take-away container and some mostly empty beer bottles on the little table in front of Kai's couch and set down the bag he'd brought.

"So why are you here?" Kai hadn't moved from the door, which was still open.

"Close the door and come here."

Kai felt anger bubbling up within him. "Listen, I said I didn't want company and you barge in here like it's _your_ fucking home, and—"

Uruha cut him off again. "And you haven't been yourself lately." He looked at Kai as though he hadn't heard the anger in Kai's voice. "Something's wrong, and I want to help."

Clearly, he wasn't going to get Uruha to go away. Kai slammed the door and stalked towards his bedroom, intent on ignoring him. His hand curled into a fist when Uruha gently grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Kai, please?" Kai's fist unclenched at the look on Uruha's face. Uruha released his arm. "You're hurting. I can see that as clear as day. Just talk to me."

All of the fight left Kai and he shuffled over to the couch, sitting heavily, ignoring the food and drink Uruha had brought with him. He didn't want to talk, though. If he talked about Minako he was sure his wounds would be torn open again, feeling as fresh as they had two months ago, and he didn't want Uruha to see that. The way Uruha looked at him, though, he knew Uruha wasn't going to leave until he opened up... but he wasn't ready. It hurt too much, still.

"Okay, I'll start," Uruha said, breaking the silence that had begun to grow between them. Holding up two food containers, he asked, "Chicken, or beef?"

\---

Uruha's visits continued, and Kai had to admit, talking really did help. He didn't say much during Uruha's first visit, had admitted that he was having relationship trouble during Uruha's second visit, but the third saw Kai break down as he admitted he and Minako had broken up. And once he got the whole story out and got over the embarrassment of having Uruha see him in such a pitiful state, he couldn't deny that he felt as though a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

It took several more visits and talks before Kai could talk about Minako without fighting back tears, or pushing down the weepy feelings. That's when Uruha began to share his own stories, stories that made Kai's eyes go wide or his cheeks grow warm. It seemed Uruha had absolutely no shame in talking about his relationships and sexual escapades, the vast majority of which were with other men.

"Aren't you afraid of what others would say if they knew?" Kai asked one day. "I mean, about sleeping with men?"

"Why should I be afraid?" Uruha asked.

"Because... it's not normal, is it?"

"Why not?" 

Kai stared at Uruha for a moment. Uruha looked at him, waiting for an answer, but Kai didn't have one to give. But he did start to _think_ , and thinking lead to more questions, and the answers to those questions lead to curiosity.

\---

"I've never kissed another guy, before."

Uruha smirked. "I know."

Kai sat up straighter. "How do you know?"

Uruha finished his beer before answering. "I can tell by what you've said and not said, and how you've grilled me about what I've done."

Kai blushed. "I wasn't grilling—"

"Yes you were. It's fine, though."

Several silent moments passed. "I haven't had sex in five months," Kai said.

Uruha nodded. "I know that, too."

"But--!"

Pushing another beer towards Kai, Uruha explained. "First, you were hurting because Minako left you. Sex was the last thing you were thinking about, I'm sure. Then you started to get over it, but you still weren't ready yet for another relationship – and you're not one for casual sex, are you? I didn't think so. Your heart is mending, now, and your confidence is back – Kai is coming back – and I've been stealing your free time, coming to visit you, so I know you haven't gone and met anyone yet. And even if you _had_ met someone, you'd have said, I think. But you wouldn't have been seeing them long enough to start fucking yet."

Kai wrinkled his nose. "You say it like it's just... fucking. There's more to sex than that."

"Is there?"

"Yes, of course there is!"

"Why?"

 _Damn it._ Uruha had asked him another question he didn't have an answer for. 

\---

Rather than show up unannounced again at Kai's place, Uruha sent a text to Kai to invite him over. After Kai agreed, he got another text telling him to bring food, so he stopped to get yakitori on his way.

He didn't know if Uruha had planned it, and he had no idea the thought was even in Uruha's head, but after they'd finished eating Uruha leaned across the small table and kissed Kai.

Kai didn't pull away. Uruha's lips were soft, the kiss chaste. Kai didn't think it felt different than kissing a girl, really, and the way Uruha's lips curled in the tiniest of smiles afterwards, Kai decided he wanted another kiss. Then he wanted another one, and another, and without realizing it had happened he was leaning to meet Uruha half way over the table and the kisses could no longer be called chaste.

When Uruha pulled away and Kai sat back on his heels, he realized his cock was half hard. He watched Uruha get to his feet and walk around the table, reaching down for Kai's hand, and Kai let Uruha pull him to his feet. There was a noticeable tent in Uruha's jeans.

"Did you plan this?" Kai asked as he was lead to Uruha's bedroom. 

"Nope," Uruha said. "But I plan on continuing it."

\---

Sound checks and rehearsal was done. The cameras following them around didn't bother Kai the least bit anymore, no longer made him feel self-conscious, knowing that anything he did could be caught on video.

Uruha was talking about miracles and differences of opinions and spontaneity as Kai made his way to the corner of the couch.

"It's been five years since," he said, talking about the last time they had played Yokohama Arena.

"Yes, it doesn't feel like it's been five years since then." Uruha said a bit more, started playing a riff on his guitar, and Kai rapped his knuckles on the tabletop, his head bowed so the camera couldn't see the ridiculous grin on his face.

He was whole again, thanks to Uruha, whole and happy and excited to be playing the last live of this tour. He'd never been happier, truth to tell. And after the excitement of performing, after the rush of adrenaline left them all feeling beyond exhaustion, barely enough energy to fall into bed, Kai knew he'd sleep with a smile on his face, lying in the arms of his lover.


End file.
